I had a post planned for tomorrow, but it can wait. I need to whine. I need to get it out.
I went back to yoga tonight. It was my first real yoga class in a while. It was a gentle basic class. It was with an instructor (Maria) that I know very well, and trust. I went in with such a positive attitude. I knew I would have a few issues along the way, but I had no idea WHAT those issues would be until after class. My toe, while restricted my flow a few times, wasn’t the problem. I was able to accomodate, and work around it in every position. What WAS the problem was me. My mind and my body were both my biggest enemies tonight.
I often times find myself struggling to stay in the moment and focused, but tonight I spent the whole class telling myself how far behind I was. I had worked really hard to build up my strength and flexibility . While it wasn’t great, it was mine and I was proud of it. So here I am, on my mat. And I’m doing exactly what I was previously so grateful for yoga for stopping me from doing – comparing myself. I hate both downward dog and childs pose. I know these are two active, yet restorative poses, but I hate them. they are uncomfortable and unenjoyable. I’d rather be in chair pose than downward dog. But I wasn’t comparing myself to other people in the class, I was comparing myself to myself. I was busy going through in my head how far back I’ve stumbled. My wrists are weak again, and my feet were cramping and tired in warrior. I hated that about myself.
As we shifted into pigeon (thank you Maria!!!), I finally stopped fighting. It is what it is. I’ve been out of practice for a few months (3 or so), and I just have to accept that. I have to get back to practicing regularly, even if I can’t get to the studio as often as I’d like right now. I can still slide in a few poses on my two breaks at work. I can work my way back.
I hate when I let my head get in the way of my heart. Deep down, I KNOW that it doesn’t matter if I do table or puppy instead of downdog. No one cares. No one cares if I ever get my foot on my thigh during tree. That’s not the point of yoga. That may be the point of that specific asana, but that’s not all I’m there for. I’m not there to go through the motions. I’m there to focus on me, all of me. I’m there to clear my mind, let me gain some clarity, let me just be me. Will I grow to love those two poses? Probably not. Will they get easier, yes. Will I find another pose frustrating and unbearable for a while, yes. But, will I allow myself the respect and forgiveness to know that there’s always another day, and for right now, this is where I’m supposed to be.